tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84094983016290679532024-03-14T07:58:30.659+00:00Exclusive Sports NewsBringing you exclusive news from the world of sport. You'll hear these stories first and not hear them anywhere else.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-85244559890042942382008-08-01T11:08:00.002+01:002008-08-01T11:15:54.306+01:00The Demise and Fall of Bolton Wanderers<span style="font-size:78%;"></span><br /><br />It seems strange to be talking about the demise of Bolton as a football club, seeing as how they haven't done anything other than lose two League Cup finals in the last fifteen or so years, but try chewing on this official OPTA stat and swallowing it: Bolton are now shite. After several years of overachieving under the guidance of Sam 'My son is a respected football agent' Allardyce, the Lancashire club are now back amongst the also-rans of the PREMIERSHIPS!!1! and possibly heading down to the wilderness of the CHAMPIONSHIPS!!1! In this exclusive, ESN speaks to the players (and I don't mean literally only the playing staff of the club - I mean the movers and shakers, scenemakers) who have witnessed the fall from grace of the once top half of the PREMIERSHIPS!!1! club. To find out the true story, and maybe even the meaning of life, then read on.<br /><br /><img src="http://images.icnetwork.co.uk/upl/nechronical/oct2007/1/2/DC175E8C-EC9D-74B8-16A8FAF91639DEA4.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Aim low, Sam. Aim low<br /><br /></span>At the arse end of last season after quite a few years (how many I don't know - What do I look like? Wikipedia?) Sam Allardyce decided to step down as manager of Bolton. At a Quayside wine bar in Newcastle - it wasn't a Yates'sss - Allardyce told me "My son, who is a respected football agent, came to me with a proposal toward the end of the season, he said 'Daddy, you know how you've made me a lot of money in the last few years? Well, it's my time to pay you back; Newcastle Utd have approached me to approach you to approach them about becoming their new manager. It's all under the table, though, you understand.' Of course, once I knew I could get a nice payoff from Bolton and a nice signing on fee from Newcastle then I was in there like a rat up a drainpipe." Allardyce, however, denies the accusation that he's only in it for the money and went on the spout the usual tripe that anyone who has ever been linked with the NUFC job says "I don't need the money. It helps, sure. But I wanted to come to a club that has a massive fanbase; they're football mad up here in the north-east. Best fans in the world, if you ask me. Who else would be daft enough to wear nothing on the top half of their body at an away game against Dynamo Kiev in November? Only Geordies are fanatical enough to do that."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.affordablehousinginstitute.org/blogs/us/Neanderthal_small.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Ivan Campo in Bolton's unused 3rd strip<br /><br /></span>But what of Bolton? What was happening down there? Wanderers chairman Phil Gartside wasted no time in appointing Allardyce's longtime right-hand, though some might say 'rotund', man Sammy Lee as the new manager. Fans were, at first, cautiously optimistic about the appointment, as BWFC supporters club secretary Tony Toole explains "We weren't too displeased that Sammy had been made gaffer; we thought the best thing for the club would be some continuity. We expected him to use similar methods on the pitch, the training field etc. to those used by Big Sam, but having recently spoken to several players - after trapping them in the car park and surrounding them - I discovered that Sammy's methods had taken us back to the dark ages. And by saying 'dark ages' I'm not making reference to Ivan Campo looking slightly neanderthal-esque. Even though he does look a bit like Cro-Magnon man. Cro-Magnon is in the Basque Country, yeah?"<br /><br />Under Allardyce Bolton had been reknowned as one of the more forward thinking clubs outside of the top four. His meticulous preparation included having the perfect temperature on the team coach (the bus - not then 1st team coach Ricky Sbragia) before matches. And it seems this is where Lee made his biggest fault of all: he turned the temperature down as he found it "a bit hot". At a Little Chef on the M6 Lee told me "I always hated travelling on the coach - y'know, the bus - under Sam, it was always a bit hot for my liking. So when I was made manager the first thing I did was phone the driver of the team coach and told him to turn the heating down. It always surprised me that Sam had the heating on very high because he's always penny-pinching, he doesn't like to spend money, that man. You can tell because of all the players he bought on the cheap, friggin' cheapskate."<br /><br /><img src="http://www.bwfc.premiumtv.co.uk/javaImages/d/c7/0,,1004%7E444173,00.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Long sleeves for Ricardo. Also the title of his debut E.P<br /><br /></span>How did the players react to this? Before the first game of the season against team name club captain Kevin Nolan went to to the front of the coach to confront Lee. Nolan takes up the story "We [the card school] always like to sit near the back and we've always enjoyed the cosiness of the coach; Ricardo Vaz Te always used to say 'It's like being back in Portugal' and Gary Speed often compared it to spending time in the tanning salon without catching a tan. Anyway, Vaz Te had his cardigan buttoned right up - he usually liked to have the top three buttons undone - so I knew something had to be done and went to speak to the gaffer." The cold-blooded Lee reacted to his captain's request by allegedly screaming "Put a fucking jumper on, then!" "That's when I knew it wouldn't last," claimed Nolan "it's alright for Jussi Jaaskilaenan, he comes from near the Arctic and is used to roughing it, but I can't have Ricardo Gardner wearing a bobble hat on the coach. Poor lad hasn't looked so upset since one of the other players shagged his wife."<br /><br />Lee failed to make it past October in charge of the club and after much deliberation, not to mention considering appointing the hopeless Graeme Souness, Gartside appointed ex-Norwich and various other clubs I can't think of right now manager Gary Megson. During his first meeting with the players the fiery redhead was asked by the senior players what he was going to do about the temperature on the team coach, to which he responded "You can have it hot, you can have it cold. Either way I don't fuckin' care. So long as I can get you bastards to start hoofing the ball up to Kevin Davies again, then I don't care."<br /><br />Megson was seen boarding the club coach for the short trip to the Reebok Stadium for his first game in charge against Aston Villa wearing a duffle coat and aviator sunglasses.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-39220960062339859862008-08-01T11:04:00.003+01:002008-08-01T11:24:38.163+01:00Exclusive Sports News Quiz-a-mania-rama<img src="http://www.pubsquiz.co.uk/images/sportsquiz.gif" /><br /><br />To celebrate the fact that Exclusive Sports News has not yet had any law-talking guys threaten them with closure - or worse: censorship - we at Exclusive Sports Towers (actually, it's only a flat in a tower block - who'd have guessed?!) have decided to give you, the lucky reader, a chance to win some top-notch, exclusive prizes. All you have to do is answer as many of the questions that are sexily listed below as you possibly can. And then send your answers on an electronic mail to openminded597@yahoo.com along with your name, address and PIN for your debit card.<br /><br />Prizes up for grabs include:<br /><br />My old Olympique Marseille shirt (circa 1990. Waddle! Papin! Francescoli! Yes, you could acquire their look from almost twenty years ago!), assuming that my Mum is correct and that it's still in her attic.<br /><br />A pin badge from a Georgian rugby team. This Paul McCartney-approved badge comes from back when Georgia was in the U.S.S.R. If there's a finer bit of communist sporting memorabilia on the market, then I haven't heard of it. Also included: comical cyrillic writing on the front!<br /><br />Several Mexico 1986 Esso collectible coins! Back in the summer of '86 I'd go with my Dad when he went to put £5 worth of 3 star petrol in the car just so I could collect these coins. I can remember that I had Kerry Dixon, Ray Wilkins and possibly Mark Hateley. These could be yours to keep! Or to use! Perfect comedy coins for those that work in the retail industry - just try fobbing them off on a long-sighted pensioner for ultimate giggles.<br /><br />Let the games begin ...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. Donkey-cocked Brazilian football legend Garrincha lost his virginity to?</span><br /><br />a) The Girl From Ipanema<br /><br />b) Some donkey<br /><br />c) Pele<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. Some girl I once knew gave hand relief to which of these footballers?</span><br /><br />a) Jonathon Woodgate<br /><br />b) Robbie Keane<br /><br />c) Carl Dale<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. Which snooker player was in dire need of a shave when I saw him getting dragged around the shops by his missus about 3 years ago?</span><br /><br />a) Darren Morgan<br /><br />b) Mark Williams<br /><br />c) Dominic Dale<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. Which former England cricket captain did I once see enjoying ham, egg and chips in a pub?</span><br /><br />a) Michael Atherton<br /><br />b) Alec Stewart<br /><br />c) Sir Ian Botham<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. What did Australian custom officials say to me when I told them that my football boots were caked in good old British mud and hence a major threat to their eco-system (so they claimed)?<br /></span><br />a) "Mate, we're going to have to burn 'em. You'll have to buy some new footie boots."<br /><br />b) "We're going to have to keep 'em, mate. Do you have spares?"<br /><br />c) "And you expect me to clean 'em? You Pommy barstard!"<br /><br />I'll name the winners (and possibly the losers, too) in the next issue of Exclusive Sports News. If anyone actually enters, that is. If not, I'll e-mail my mate Lee with one correct answer so that he can win the prize.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Entries are limited to two per reader. False names can give you a better chance of winning. Exclusive Sports News reserves the right to choose the winner in the manner that they see fit. Does anyone ever read the competition rules? "I'm like a chicken trussed up against the car" - Some angry bloke on one of those 'Crime Britain' type programmes - 2007. The following people are not allowed to enter, any entries from them will be declared null and void: Ivor Biggun, That bloke Mike who used to sit opposite me in one of my old jobs, My Mum (she doesn't even have internet), any ex-girlfriends or women I have had flings with save for that girl from Bedford who was living in Liverpool when I met her in Leeds the day after I saw Grandaddy in London about 9 years ago, that bloke who is always really friendly to me in Tesco (You freak me out).</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-44159917710515822662008-08-01T10:48:00.003+01:002008-08-01T11:04:24.584+01:00Exclusive Sport News, Like, in BriefThe usual collection of stuff which I've copied directly from analogue teletext.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Morley Finally Makes Legal Tackle</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1068329420374_2003/11/09/350tackle,0.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">CRRRRUUUUNNNNCCCHHH, you Aussie twat</span><br /><br /><br />Great Britain rugby league prop Adrian Morley has recently finally made a legal tackle. The ex-Leeds and Sydney Roosters man made a tackle in the 26th minute of a Superleague match against Hull KR which the referee, after a quick nod from his touch judge, decided not to penalise. The Warrington Wolves (is that their nickname these days?) brute said that the reason he makes a lot of high tackles is because he does most of his tackling practice with his five year old son. He told me out side the Greggs in Huddersfield the day after the test match "I'm always playing in the garden with my son, Jacob, and he's only a little lad. He'll never grow up to be tough like me if I don't give him some 'treatment', so I usually give him a good bash early doors just to let him know I'm there." When quizzed whether he would be better practicing against people his own size Morley said: "No ta, my wife's a big unit. There's no way I'd get her down legally. I'd have to give her a swinging arm."<br /><br />Morley then went into the Greggs and ordered two Steak Bakes, a can of orange Fanta and a custard slice. He then walked out of the shop and was put on report for a late tackle on a traffic warden.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Maniche Says "No" to Bristol City</span><br /><br /><img src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o171/desportugal_album/Desportugal/maniche_inter_juventus_liga_italian.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">"It's my ball!" Maniche is the school bully to Camoranesi's school dweeb</span><br /><br />Confusion arose yesterday when high flying Championship side Bristol City were linked with Portugese international midfielder Maniche. The ex-Benfica, Porto, Dinamo Moscow, Atetico Madrid and Chelsea star was thought to be the ideal man to take the West-Country club into the top echelon of English football. Mancihe - not his real name, he was named 'Maniche' after some Danish striker caled 'Manniche' or something similar who used to play for Benfica - denied all knowledge of an approach from Brizzle, he said: "Que? I think you have me confused, I would never go to Bristol City. I am enjoying my time here at Internazionale of Milan." When further pressed the goalcoring midfielder suggeted that I had maybe made up the story in a desperate effort to fill the pages of ESN "Are you sure you aren't lying? I know what British journalists are like."<br /><br />As the day panned out and I tried to get more information on this potential exclusive it dawned on me that during a drunken conversation with my friend Jim the evening before he had mentioned how he'd made a bid for Maniche on Football Manager 2008. During an exchange of text messages Jim told me "dnt u remmber lst nite? we tlkd abt champ man," and went on to add several (free) text messages later (courtesy of his contract with Orange) that "i bid 4 manish wen i woz manger at city lol." There then followd an embarrassing climbdown from this correspondent as I apologised to Maniche and pleaded with his agent to not sue me. He agent responded with "I don't care, I've never even heard of your sports website."<br /><br />My mate Jim has since failed in his bid to bring Maniche to Bristol and turned his attentions to Swedish playmaker Kim Kallstrom of Lyon. Remember, you read it here first.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tour of Holland Branded a "Farce"</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.uksport.gov.uk/assets/Image/newsArchive/Tour_de_mai.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Worst trophy ever</span><br /><br />The recent cycling tour of Holland has been branded a farce by angry cyclists. British entrant David Millar told this correspondent - in the queue to buy a puncture repair kit in Halfords - that the tour was "A farce. Possibly the stupidest idea ever," he added: "The King of the Mountains award really took the biscuit." Possible ETA sympathiser and many time Tour de France winner Miguel Indurain agreed that the tour had brought greater shame upon the sport than all the failed dope tests in the last ten years combined. Speaking on his mobile whilst simultaneously wearing a sombrero and taunting bulls in the middle of a bullring in Pamplona, he told me "I can't speak right now, a bull is about to gore my anus."<br /><br />Tour organisers had not realised that there were no mountains, or even hills, of any significance in the notoriously low-lying country. Zany multi-millionaire tour chairman David Bewes of Jersey said "Who'd have thought that there were no mountains in one of the lowland countries? I could have swore that I once read an article on Dutch mountaineers." When Bewes was informed that that very article was in fact last year's April Fool joke article on ESN he seethed with anger and told me "You idiot! You've ruined my reputation as a sports promoter. You tosser. How was I to know that it was a joke and that these intrepid explorers didn't climb Mount Arnhem wearing nothing but national costume including wooden clogs?"<br /><br />The wacky, tax dodging former potato picker Bewes has now turned his entrepreneurial skills to setting up a professional cricket competition in Mejico.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">GAA: The Beginners Guide</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.gransha-taxi.co.uk/images/Ardoyne%20gaelic%20games.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">The Irish equivalent of the Bayeux Tapestry</span><br /><br />Because I've been spending some time on the West Wales coast, I recently acquired access to Irish language television channel TG4. In between repeats of South Park and Fimbles broadcast in the Emerald Isles' indigenous language, I've come across some highlight packages of various sports which are popular in Ireland and nowhere else. So, I thought this would be a great opportunity to teach the readers of Exclusive Sports News the ins and outs of the several comical sports that the Irish play.<br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><br />Gaelic Football</span><br /><br />It's sort of a bit like Australian Rules Football but on a more oblong shaped pitch and they use a football instead of a rugby ball. You score points by kicking the ball either through the rugby posts (piss easy) or by kicking it in the football goal (should be easy, but isn't - I reckon I could do it). Also, everyone is allowed to handle the ball like a goalie. Big teams include the Dublin Dinosaurs, Droghedea Dinosaurs, Waterford Watermen and the Galway Galwaymen.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Hurling</span><br /><br />I didn't pay much attention to this one. Hockey sticks, but flatter, are used to hit the ball about on the exact same field that they play Gaelic Football on. Not very imaginative. Current champions are the Limerick Leprechaun Bashers. Probably.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Camogie</span><br /><br />As far as I could ascertain, this is just Hurling for women. Yes, that bad.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Knock, Knock Ginger</span><br /><br />Not the childhood game of the same name that we have on this island where you'd knock on a door in your street and leg it. Here, a redheaded Irish gentleman knocks on the doors in towns that he'll never set foot in again and tries to sell you a sofa by saying "Would your Ma' like to buy a tree piece suite?". If your Dad's in he'll offer to tarmac your drive for £200 but insist on payment in advance so that he can go and buy tarmac from a fellow Irish hustler. Only to never return.<br /><br />The key to winning this game is to pretend that there is no one home by muting the volume on your telly and not answering the door.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-5781412249770390022008-08-01T10:27:00.002+01:002008-08-01T10:43:00.322+01:00Exclusive Sports News Olympic Preview<img src="http://www.prweb.com/prfiles/2007/08/16/267015/olympiclogo.jpg" /><br /><br />Yo, here be the lowdown on the 'lympics - is what I would say if I was some sort of hip streetster. But I'm not. I'm 32 years old and - according to family legend - prone to an occasional attack of gout. Nevertheless, I am an experienced sports journo and I carry a lot of clout in this little world; what I say is the truth. Or it will come true. Anyway, leap years are brilliant, aren't they? I was born in a leap year; there's an extra day in February; European Championship Football every leap year and, best of all, there are the Olympics every leap year.<br /><br />And proper Olympics. None of this Winter Olympics nonsense. Did Archimedes and Plato (I'm assuming these people invented the Olympics) want man to go as fast downhill as he could on a pair of skis? Did they want men in leotards to dance to music on ice? Did they want men from different nations, usually Nordic nations, to pit themselves in a battle which consisted of skiing cross-country, stopping for a breather every few miles and shooting an air gun at a kind of dartboard? Did they heck as like. I tell you, the best thing the flipping IOC ever did was move the Winter Games (I refuse to acknowledge them as the Winter Olympics) two years ahead. Or was it two years behind? Plus one of the great things about the Olympics is the taking part - there is nothing funnier than watching a competitor from an underdeveloped nation being completely out of his depth: Eric the Eel, I've watched you on youtube, like, a million times! You crack me up. But even underdeveloped nations get a chance to shine at the Olympics - just look at the Kenyan distance runners. Actually, my mate's Dad told him when he was a kid that the reason the Africans were so fast was because "they get chased by lions in the jungle." And I'm not making that up. True story.<br /><br />And so, this particular feature will take a look at some of the potential highlights at the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, China. I can't wait to see what those crazy faux-communist/capitalists have lined up for us. But we can be sure of one thing: those Chinese athletes are going to be doped up to the eyeballs and, man, they ain't gonna fail no drug test. Here are some of the events/competitors that you and I should look forward to.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Cycling - Victoria Pendleton</span><br /><br /><img src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41446000/jpg/_41446884_pendleton416.jpg" /><br /><br />Sexy woman? On a bike? Getting sweaty? In figure-hugging lycra? And, what's that, she has a good chance of a gold medal and she's British?! And she also likes baking cakes. Everyone's ideal woman is a sweaty cake baker clad in lycra, yes? We should all pay very close attention to the delightful Ms Pendleton, if her recent appearance nekkid on the cover of Observer Sport Monthly is anything to go by. All I know is that she cycles at the velodrome - and not on the road - and recently won gold at the World Championship in Manchester.<br /><br />Did I mention the figure-hugging lycra? Plus this will be a great opportunity for all us alpha males to make lewd, but respectful, comments along the lines of: "I'd ride her," "What a bike," "I'd pump her flat tyre anytime" and "I'd buy her tyre-weld for Christmas."<br /><br />Look out for my 'Victoria Pe(n)dals to(n) Victory!' headline very soon.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mens 100 metres running fast</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.clackamasreview.com/reuters_graphics/2008-06-29T045754Z_01_NOOTR_RTRIDSP_2_SPORTS-OLYMPICS-ATHLETICS-BOLT-DC.jpg" /><br /><br />The blue-riband event of the track, if not the entire games. And this year it should be highly competitive - a potential classic, perhaps. So will it be Gay? Or Powell? Or Bolt? Thanks to the record-breaking early season form of Usain Bolt, this promises to be the best 100 metre final since the '88 Olympics in Seoul. Will former record holder Asafa Powell reclaim his record or will he once again wilt under the pressure at a championship event? Will World Champion Tyson Gay be able to repeat his 9.68 seconds at the US trials without the aid of wind assistance and have the Castro district of San Francisco post-ironically chanting his name? Or will Usain Bolt become Jamaica's biggest sporting hero since John Candy in Cool Runnings and, heh, run off with the crown of the world's fastest man?<br /><br />Look out for my 'Lightning Strikes Twice: Bolt Wins Sprint Double!' headline very soon.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4 Men and a Little Baby</span><br /><br /><img src="http://1heckofaguy.com/wp-content/ssxtw-rowing.jpg" /><br /><br />No, not a sequel to the rubbish film starring Tom 'Magnum' Selleck and Steve 'Police Academy' Guttenberg, but that rowing event with four big fellas and a cox. You know the one: Redgrave and Pinsent used to do this one. We always seem to do well in this; another gold for Britain perhaps?<br /><br />Look out for my lame 'Britain Sails to Gold!' headline. Even though they're not sailing. They're rowing. Look, I'll have a think and come up with something better by then, okay?<br /><br />Ooh, ooh, I've got it! Some sort of 'Awesome Foursome' headline. Yes, it has probably been used a million times by lowbrow publications, but I'm going with it. It's not like ESN isn't lowbrow. Actually, we're more no-brow than lowbrow.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mens Decathlon</span><br /><br /><img src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/sol/shared/spl/hi/pop_ups/06/athletics_dean_macey0s_decathlon_pictures/img/2.jpg" /><br /><br />What are the odds of Dean Macey's hamstring/elbow/neck/fingernail/penis giving him some gyp and him just missing out on a medal yet again? 1/50, you say? Cheers, I'll put my Fiat Panda on that, please. Still, we'll all be cheering him on and going "God, I miss Daley Thompson, remember him? He was awesome! Yeah, in the eighties. Wow, the eighties, man" until the last lap of the 1500 metres when we'll be going "Run, you lumbering, dopey sod! Aww, fucking fourth again! Yeah, that bastard German got third."<br /><br />Look out for my 'Deanied: Macey Misses Out on Medal!' headline very soon.<br /><br />And what happens? Two days after writing this Macey fails to make the Olympic Qualifying standard. He even had to have four injections in his groin just to complete the 1500 metres. The poor, poor lad.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Swimming</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2008/03/25/wbSWIMsuit_narrowweb__300x468,0.jpg" /><br /><br />This new Speedo bodysuit is meant to give you the edge, so I've been told. Heck, I dunno. In my day you'd eat Kellogs Start (as endorsed by Steve Cram), drink Lucozade Sport and rub dog doo on your rivals' bathers to give you the edge - they'd be too embarrassed to race stinking like that. But then, I suppose, Lucozade Sport is practically doping. These days I'd probably go for a few glasses of vodka and Red Bull. In fact, that does give me an edge. Well, it takes the edge off if I've had a few the night before. Roll on lunchtime!<br /><br />Still, I dunno about you, but I'll be poolside brushing my elbows against Sharon Davies' breasts. Again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bulgarian Weightlifting Team</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.radio.sbs.com.au/images/assets/1477711980s_blagoiblagoev.jpg" /><br /><br />Umm ... apparently there isn't one this year. 75% of them failed a pre-games drugs test so they all miss out. Which reminds me of ruining a school disco for everyone when I was 14. And there was a weightlifting club in the hall every Tuesday lunchtime and it was the hall they used to hold the disco in, so there's some sort of connection here, right? <br /><br />Sport, eh?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The 4 x 100 and 4 x 400 Relays</span><br /><br /><img src="http://madill.typepad.com/the_monograph/images/2008/05/24/track.jpg" /><br /><br />Aren't relay races just the best? The running out of lanes; the dropped batons; the hustle and bustle of the handover on the last lap of a four by four with all the athletes jockeying for position ... this is why sport is so great: you couldn't write a script for drama like that. And, remember, we're the reigning 4 x 100 champs! No Mark Fatty Lewis-Francis this time, mind. Or Jason Gardener. Or Darren Campbell. Oh, balls. But what has happened since the golden, halycon days of our 4 x 400 team when we had awesome relay runners such as Todd 'He's like Roger Black but a lot shorter and, hence, slower' Bennett, Brian 'One Shoe' Whittle, Phil 'Last Leg' Brown, John 'I don't usually run this far but I'll take one for the team and give it a go' Regis and other, brilliant runners who couldn't run sub-45 400 metres in an individual race if they tried forever, but would run 44.1, or something daft, in a relay?<br /><br />Whatever happened to my boyhood heroes? God, I miss Derek Redmond. And Mark Richardson. And Duane Ladejo. Can't say I miss Akabusi, though. Twit.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-16013631788012272012007-10-30T18:57:00.001+00:002007-10-30T18:58:09.534+00:00Update Coming SoonExclusive Sports News will be updated very, very soon. As soon as I can get the work experience kid to come back from the shop.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-13955227987591481682007-08-20T21:25:00.000+01:002007-08-20T23:17:00.867+01:00Exclusive Sports News In Brief Round-up-o-rama<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Broad "disappointed" at not making début</span></span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /><img src="http://www.unicef.org/sports/sports_icc_broad-1.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Broad telling ghost stories to a captive audience</span><br /><br />Promising young fast bowler Stuart Broad this week confirmed his disappointment at not making his test début in the recent test series against India. Broad, 21, told me earlier in the week outside a bus shelter in Melton Mowbray "I'm disappointed not to have played in the series, especially as I was widely tipped to play, but I know that my opportunity will come soon enough,". In what must have been the biggest disappointment of the youngster's life, he tried to put a brave face on the situation by adding "It's not as bad as finding a dead body behind the old gasworks when I was thirteen, I'll get over it. Not playing for England yet, not the dead body. That'll haunt me until I die,". The jovial quickie continued "I poked him with my cricket bat, but I really wish I hadn't; one of his eyes came right out of the socket. It was really disturbing".<br /><br />England coach Peter Moores who was "excited" by the fast bowlers potential is now indicating that he may have made a mistake in keeping Broad as a 12th man, he said "the last thing Michael Vaughan wants to hear during a drinks break is how rigor mortis had begun to set in on the body that Stuart had found. Ian Bell might think it's all a big laugh, but Michael can't concentrate when all he can hear is Stuart going 'have you ever seen a dead body?' when he's trying to face Kumble, and I wouldn't like that either. He won't be playing Test cricket until he learns when to speak and when not to speak".<br /><br />Stuart Broad is said to be currently reading the new Harry Potter book.<br /></span></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gay hits back at "gay" jibes</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.thefinalsprint.com/images/2007/05/tyson-gay.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Well, if you're going to take flowers with you to the starting line, people are going to talk</span><br /><br />Really fast runner Tyson Gay has hit back against track and field fans who have questioned his sexuality. The rubber burning sprinter said "I'd just won the US Track and Field 100 metre Championship and was feeling pretty damn good 'bout myself, when all of a sudden the crowd start chanting "Gay, Gay, Gay". At first I thought it was directed at one of our high jumpers, but it soon dawned on me that it was me they were hollering at. There I was, the happiest moment of my life and it was ruined by people who don't even know me questioning my sexuality. What they don't know is that I had a girlfriend in High School, as well as two girlfriends in College. And I've been on dates with women as recently as May. I would go on more, but y'know, I have to train for the World Championships".<br /><br />Gay's problems have not ended there; it now seems that his contemporaries have begun to enquire about his sexuality. Gay told me "I was at a meet in Europe last month when Asafa Powell comes up to me and goes 'Hey, are you Gay?'. I was, like, 'man, you don't even know me, you've never met me before and you're calling me gay?'. I was so mad at Powell, who does he think he is?".<br /><br />Gay has responded to his critics by continuing to wear figure-hugging lycra outfits in the lead up to this weeks World Championships in Osaka, Japan.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Foulds in "I haven't seen him in years" claim</span><br /><br /><img src="http://homepage.ntlworld.com/simon.wildgust/sporting-bloopers/mike_hallett.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Hallett in pre-mobile phone days</span><br /><br />Hellraising snookerer Neal Foulds has this week opened the lid on his relationship with ex-professional Mike Hallett. The winner of the 1984 Pontins Spring Open Championship told me when I questioned him on the whereabouts of Hallett "I haven't seen him in years, does he still live in Grimsby?". Standing outside the local Morrisons, the potting ace confessed that "we got on okay, I didn't see him outside of the snooker arenas; he seemed a perfectly amiable chap".<br /><br />Hallett, when contacted, defiantly refused to shed any more light on their relationship "I didn't know him much more than to say 'Hello' to, but Tony Meo has said he's nothing but trouble, so don't give him my mobile number, yeah?".<br /><br />Foulds, when questioned on whether he intended making nuisance calls to Hallett if he had his number said "I haven't got much credit, been texting Tony Meo".<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Kwikfire Kwestions</span><br /><br />This installment of the question and answer session that is so-fast-that-if-you-blink-you-might-miss-it-with-a-bit-of-luck features Scunthorpe Utd stopper Joe Murphy.<br /><br /><img src="http://www.4thegame.com/media/00/02/86/murphy_joe.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size:78%;">Insert caption here</span></span><br /><br />Where were you born?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Dublin.</span></span><br /><br />Nice place? Like it there?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh aye, it's grand.</span><br /><br />What clubs have you played for?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Tranmere Rovers, West Brom, Walsall on loan a couple of times and now Scunthorpe.</span><br /><br />Best moment in your career?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh, I dunno.</span><br /><br />Married or Single?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Single.</span><br /><br />Children?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">No, I'm single.</span><br /><br />Favourite Film?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh, I dunno.</span><br /><br />Favourite Music?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh, I dunno. Let's all have a disco.</span><br /><br />Favourite Holiday Destination?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I dunno, Dublin?</span><br /><br />What will you do when you finish playing?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I haven't thought about that yet.</span><br /><br />Thank you Joe!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">'Bye.<span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-1718651127230733272007-08-20T16:56:00.000+01:002007-08-20T18:16:30.090+01:00GLOLF!!1! or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Laugh at Sport<span style="font-size:85%;">by Harry Exclusive</span><br /><br /><img src="http://www.varietyclub.org.uk/imageconstructor/content_image/55" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Golf: no laughing matter</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">European PGA Tour chiefs are set to widen the appeal of their sport with a new, fun direction. </span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">European PGA Tour Assistant Director for Operations David Probyn said exclusively to me this week "Golf has traditionally been a rather dour sport. After all, the game did originate in Scotland, but I want to widen it's appeal so that people can see how fun it can be". And how do you intend doing this? Probyn added "Well, I am wary of going over the top. I mean, we did toy with the idea of dressing up all the caddies in full clown regalia and having them squirt the golfers with water, bringing out rubber putters, putting quicksand in the bunkers so that they might drown, but that didn't go down too well with the caddy union. Instead, we've started sending some of our top golfers to comedians for some tips. Comedy and golf have had a great history together, just look at Jimmy Tarbuck for example; he likes a round of golf and a laugh as much as the next man. And the dearly missed Bernard Manning once threatened to strike an Asian man with a short iron, so you can see what a bond comedy and golf have".</span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.golfpodium.com/IMAGES/speakers/divot_bio.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Clowns: no laughing matter</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">How is this new direction going to effect the tour's top golfers? With Europeans leading the way at the recent Open, is there any need for this, quite frankly, absurd idea? "The golfers have so far been very receptive to my proposals. Padraig Harrington laughed in my face when I said that I wanted him to play the typical Irish fool in the vein of those from the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes. It just goes to show what a tremendous sense of humour he has, he couldn't stop laughing when I told him of my plans," said Probyn. He added "I've also been in talks with Snooker's governing body - yet another dull sport - about how they've managed to use humour to good effect. For years and years at the Crucible they would have John Virgo doing poor to middling impressions of his fellow professionals on a slow day, and let's not forget the tremendous success of the World Trickshot Championship where humour has a big part to play. Plus, who hasn't laughed at Neal Foulds' poor spelling and use of grammar on the internet? They've told me that they're thinking of rebranding Snooker as SnooLOLker, so, obviously, we would go down the same path and change the name of our sport to GLOLf".</span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.regtransfers.co.uk/images/Testimonials/M12_KDA/M12_KDA_pic.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Akabusi: laughing no matter what</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">In the 1980's the question on everyone's lips was: Sport and Politics; do they mix? In these heady days of the noughties it appears that the question is now: Humour and Sport: Why? I spoke to several leading figures in the sporting world reknowned for their love of a laugh and a joke, beginning with laughing addict and former Olympic Bronze Medallist Kriss Akabusi to find out more. He said "Hahahahahahahahahahaha, I've always enjoyed laughing, hahahahahahahahahaha. And I've always enjoyed sport, hahahahahahahaha. If you can't have fun, hahahahahahahahaha, when you're running fast, then when can you? Hahahahahahahahahaha". </span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/8/8e/RodneyMarsh.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Marsh's haircut exposes brain matter</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ex-footballer and disgraced former Sky Sports pundit Rodney Marsh is another sports star fond of wisecracking "Let me tell you, I've made more bad and inappropriate jokes than any other man in the history of sport. It started when I went to America to play in the NASL; that in itself was one big joke, wasn't it? I'll never forget the laughs me and Bestie had whenever we were together, and there was also that time when Beckenbauer farted during a penalty shoot-out in a game against the Cosmos which had upwards of three thousand people in stitches. One of the main reasons the league failed was because the NASL chiefs didn't like the funnymen, people like Cubillas, Neeskens and Bruce Grobbelaar; once they started shipping them out and bringing in boring fuckers like Peter Beardsley, Colin Todd and Archie Gemmill, then the league was bound to fail. Americans love showmen; entertainers, and it was a dark day when I was sacked from the Tampa Bay Rowdies for a practical joke which was taken the wrong way. John Gorman was the miserable sod who got me into trouble. All I did was soak his jockstrap in a bowl of chillies overnight and he failed to see the funny side of it. That man never had a sense of humour until he got the Swindon job".</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">So, Sport and Humour - is there any need for it outside of Question of Sport? This correspondent says "no". Next week I'll slag off Ally McCoist & co. in a potentially libellous column. Remember, you read it here first.</span><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-33621382441365560842007-07-17T21:07:00.000+01:002007-08-05T23:32:48.913+01:00Exclusive Sports News In BriefSadly, this is not about female - or even male, for that matter - athletes in their underwear. Instead, it's a weekly (bi-weekly/whenever I can be bothered) round-up of all of the best little titbits in the world of Sport. And it's exclusive, obviously.<br /><br /><br /><u><strong>Sotherton's Javelin Woe Continues</strong></u><br /><br /><img src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41471000/jpg/_41471080_sotherton300.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Despite the lack of baps, I would</span><br /><br />Doable British Heptahlete Kelly Sotherton's season has yet again stagnated due to her inability to throw a javelin further than a kitten or a male member of Belle & Sebastien might hurl it. Sotherton's coach, ex-Olympian and all round good guy though not as good as Steve Backley, Mick Hill said "Kelly's problem is that she acts like a girl, is a girl and, most importantly, throws like a girl". Hill says that he intends rectifying Sotherton's problem by "either doping her up to the eyeballs or by giving her a full sex change", but added "I quite fancy Kelly as it is, so I'd rather her be a loser than engage in a transexual relationship with her". Having conducted an epic internet search I can confirm that Ms. Sotherton is heterosexual. Yay!<br /><br /><strong><u>Broad Eyes "Exciting" Test Debut</u></strong><br /><br /><img src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42053000/jpg/_42053850_broad_getty300.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">He looks excited here, too</span><br /><br />Leicestershire quickie Stuart Broad has cast his beady eye on making his test debut at Lords on Thursday as a replacement for the injured, but pretty wayward, bowler Steve Harmison. Broad, son of ex-England test opener, and a pretty good player from what I can remember, Chris Broad, is rumoured to be "excited". When asked at a finger buffet held in my honour at Lords today, Broad junior (although he's <em>really</em> tall) said "Yeah, I'm excited. If selected, it will be exciting". And what of chucking a few down to the likes of Dravid and Tendulkar? "Yeah, that's exciting". Speaking to his father in the queue for the little boys room, Broad senior said of his son's upcoming test debut "I'm nearly as excited as he is! That's why I'm in the queue here, I can't contain my excitement". Recently installed England coach Peter Moores is also rumoured to be excited with the lanky fast bowlers potential.<br /><br /><strong><u>Dour Foulds Vows To Continue</u></strong><br /><br /><img src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport/furniture/in_depth/other_sports/2001/world_snooker/history/1987.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Foulds reacting angrily to criticism</span><br /><br />Dreary snooker 'star' Neal Foulds has vowed to continue with his professional snooker career despite protests on an internet site about his dull play, looks and personality. A thread on musical pop band Razorlight's unofficial site contained three posts of which all were critical of the Perivale born player. Poster #1 (rzrsnker: 312 posts) said "hes so fkn borin!!1! wrst.playa.evr.". The two following posts (jonnyishott: 13 posts and dickiedavieseyes: 9872347 posts) added "lol" and "who cares?" respectively. In reply to this accusation, Foulds replied via pm to rzrsnker with "fk u im guna carie on plyin. wen waz teh last tyme u bet eddy charltons?". Ex-player Tony Meo speaking at a pub I happened to be in said "What the fuck is Foulds doing on the internet? Boring cunt".<br /><strong></strong><br /><strong><u>Kwikfire Kwestions</u></strong><br /><br />In an attempt to make Exclusive Sports News look edgy (I've used a 'k' instead of a 'q') and to appeal to younger readers whose attention spans are poor, this week we introduce the brand-new-never-seen-before-and-not-even-in-a-similar-format quickfire quiz to our chosen sports star. This week we see how quickly Peterborough United player Dean Keates can spit back his replies to our vomited questions.<br /><br /><img src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38260000/jpg/_38260148_keates220.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Dean 'The Gob' Keates in action</span><br /><br />Where were you born? Walsall<br />Do you like it there? Nice place? Dunno. S'ok I s'pose.<br />What clubs have you played for in your career? Walsall, Hull, Kidderminster, Lincoln, Walsall again and now Peterborough.<br />Best moment in your career? Dunno really. I just like playing football.<br />Married or Single? Married.<br />Children? Yeah.<br />How many? Two.<br />Boys? Girls? One of each? Yeah.<br />What? One of each.<br />Favourite film? Dunno. Saw Die Hard 4 the other day.<br />Any good? S'ok.<br />Favourite music? Any really. Whatever's on Radio 1.<br />Favourite Holiday Destination? Florida.<br />What will you do when you finish playing? Dunno yet.<br />Thank you Dean! Can I go now?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-38726776770864575792007-07-17T18:55:00.000+01:002007-07-17T19:47:59.956+01:00Another Exclusive: One on One with John (talks a load of) 'Tosh' Toshack<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;">by Harry Exclusive</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">A new and exclusive regular segment to Exclusive Sports News. Each week I, Harry Exclusive, go one on one with some of the biggest names in the world of Sport. It'll be no-holds-barred as I ask the questions that other interviewers are too scared to ask. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">In yet another worldwide exclusive, last week I sat down with deluded Wales manager John Toshack and chewed the fat about Giggs, Wales, his time in Spain and if his daughter might like me over three bottles of Tesco Value Dry Cider. Frankly, I was shocked, appalled and totally bemused with pretty much everything the controversial manager said. Herein follows a full, blow-by-blow transcription of that beautiful, drunken evening. </span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.teamtalk.com/Images/71689.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Toshack, drunk and angry</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So, John, the question on everyone's lips: How are you going to cope with the loss of Ryan Giggs due to his retirement from international football?</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Well, I'm not worried about replacing him. We have a long history of producing world-class players here in Wales. Sometimes we have almost too many options. I'm sure that whoever I choose to replace him will be of the highest quality.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">So, who is favourite to replace him? I can't think of a single other left-sided attacking midfielder who is Welsh. No-one who's any cop, at least.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>(Winks) That's for me to know and you to find out, Harry. I've got a few irons in the fire, a few aces up my sleeve.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">That's not really answering the question, John.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Ok, let's put it this way; remember when I was at Deportivo La Coruña? Which left-sided attacking midfielder did I sign? Yeah, that's right, Rivaldo.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">John, he's Brazilian. And besides, you can't sign players for an international team. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>What? You can't?! Aww, for fuck's sake! Why didn't anyone tell me? When I took this job I was told that resources were thin. I took that to mean that there would be no money for the first few seasons and I'd have to pick shithouses like Carl Fletcher, useless cunt that he is. So, I'm not allowed to pick any foreigners? Really? Shit. How else are we supposed to qualify for the World Cup? I'm beginning to regret taking this job.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Well, you could always go the Australian route. They've joined the Asian federation to make it easier for them to qualify for the World Cup.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Can I do that? That would make things a lot easier, just think if ....</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">No, John. I was joking. Wales is in Europe, there is no way you'd be allowed to do that. </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Then I'm fucked! What am I going to do?! (starts to shake uncontrollably)</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Calm down, John. Here, have some more of this cider. Have you tried looking for some players with Welsh roots? Y'know, Patagonia? There are some very talented Argentinians about. You have South American contacts, right? </span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Fucking good thinking, Harry. I'll be sending a few quid your way if I can pull this off. Jesus, fill my glass up again. Right, first thing tomorrow we'll get on a plane to Buenos Aires, don't worry about the cost, the FAW will pay. Then - after we've had a steak and a couple of bottles of wine - we'll get the bus down to Patagonia, turn up at the first club we find and sign as many players as we can. We'll get them all on long term contracts, I don't want to lose the fuckers on a Bosman. </em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">John, I keep telling you, you can't sign players!</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>(Now visibly agitated) Can't? I can! Just watch me! No-one knows the South American market like I do! No-one! I'm going to come back to Cardiff with the best young players in the world to lead Wales to the World Cup. Now, are you in or are you out?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Ok, John, ok. I'm in. I'll go to Argentina with you. Ok, let's change the subject here. Tell me about your time in Spain. You had a fairly successful time over there, managed some big clubs: Real Madrid, Deportivo La Coruña, Real Sociedad ...</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Yeah, I'm a legend over there, they all love me. I still spend more time in San Sebastien than I do in Wales. Just between you and me, I can't stand Wales. Do you know who got Chrissie Coleman a job in Spain? Yeah, me? Who signed Rivaldo? Me. Who made Xabi Alonso captain of Sociedad? Me. I tell you, I'm great. And another good thing about me is that I don't care what you or anyone else says.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Yes, but you weren't massively successful. Only one league title to your name, which you could hardly fail to win when you have players like Butragueño, Hugo Sanchez, Michael Laudrup etc. Hell, even I could have won the league with them!</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>You're always belittling me, Harry. (Begins to sob gently) You've never been a true believer in Tosh, have you? </em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Come on now, John. This is just the cider taking over. Don't get upset.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>(Still sobbing) Do you ... Do you like me?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Er, yeah, sure. Well, I like your daughter. How old is she?</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Nineteen. Why?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Just curious. Do you think she might like me?</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>What?! Why the hell are you asking all this?</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Um ... no reason. Anyway, back to football. John ... John, are you falling asleep? Do you want me to go?</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:verdana;">(Now heavily slurring and barely able to keep his eyes open) You can stay here. Spare room is next to my daughters room.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span></em><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Sweet! Er .. I think I'll go to bed now. You'll be okay on the sofa, yeah?</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Yeah, but don't forget we've got to get up early to go to Batagonia. They is Welsh in Batagonia, y'know. </em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Of course they are. Tell you what, you go on ahead without me and I'll get a later flight. I have a couple of things to take care of first.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><em>Ok, Harry. I'll see you in the mañana por la mañana.</em></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">No problem. I'm off to bed. Night!</span><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://images.spunkycash.com/637-300-300.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Toshack's daughter, Helen (from my private collection)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Worried that John might have developed a drinking problem, I went to speak to his daughter in her room to ask her opinion of the great man. Unfortunately, due to legal reasons, I am unable to publish the transcription of my interview with her.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><strong>Epilogue</strong></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">John Toshack returned home from Argentina four days later without any new players. He has since left several threatening messages on my answerphone (re: his daughter) since. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-85457242712506946282007-07-17T13:57:00.000+01:002007-07-17T20:22:55.251+01:00England Favourites To Retain World Cup<span style="font-size:85%;">by Harry Exclusive</span><br /><br /><br /><strong><em>"Feckin' ruined"</em></strong><br /><br /><img src="http://www.cynicallyoptimistic.com/blog/Files/green%20beard.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Paddypower Managing Director Reilly O'Reilly in his work clothes</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">England have been made the bookmakers favourite to retain the Rugby World Cup, which they won in Australia 4 years ago, being held in France - and due to a little palm greasing, Wales, Scotland & Ireland - this autumn. Paddypower managing director Reilly O'Reilly (pictured above) spoke to me exclusively via googlemail earlier this week. "Ah, sure to be sure, Harry, there's been some dicking about going on. I reckon it's the bloody Kiwis and the Welsh on the wind up. Apparently, they've got the entire population of both countries - that's about tree million each - to put a fiver on England to win in Paris. So, that's about turty million pounds they've put on England. It's pushed the odds of the All Blacks right out to 20-1. We could be feckin' ruined if they don't choke like they usually do this year."<br /></span><br /><br /><strong><em>Piss Poor</em></strong><br /><br /><img src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42975000/jpg/_42975291_candc_getty300.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Ashton tries to convince Robinson to not give Dallaglio his pocket money</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">England coach, Brian Ashton, said "I assume all these people putting money on us are having a laugh? Have they seen us play this year?! Piss poor in Dublin and even lamer in Cardiff. Yeah, and don't even mention South Africa. To be honest, we haven't got a hope in hell. Thank fuck we have an easy draw, imagine if we'd been drawn with Argentina as the third seeds in our group!".<br /><br /></span><strong><em>Moon Bastards</em></strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.pirate.brevard.k12.fl.us/images/Moon%20Man2.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">A 'moon bastard', yesterday</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">However, not all Englishmen share Ashton's defeatism. Back from the wilderness because the coaching staff are clutching at straws ex-skipper Lawrence Dallaglio believes England fully deserve their favourites tag. In a worldwide exclusive to this newspaper, he told BBC Sport earlier this week "Look, we won it 4 years ago and we'll win it again. Now, you can say that we've lost a lot of world-class players: Johnson, Hill, Dawson, Greenwood etc. and that Kay, Robinson, Tindall, Wilkinson etc. have all gone downhill, but I'm back in the team so we're bound to win. I'm amazing. Did you see me against Bay of Plenty before I got injured on the Lions tour? I was amazing! For 20 minutes. Plus we've been training with the Marines and they keep telling us we're the best and you don't want to argue with them!". Then why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Put a few quid on yourselves to win it? "Already done, Harry. I managed to convince all the squad, all the coaching staff - with the exception of Brian Ashton - and the entire British Armed Forces to put their annual salary on us to win it; it's about £30 million pounds in total. If we win, I mean when we win, we'll be raking it in. I've already booked a seat on Dickie Branson's flight to the moon so we can show those moon bastards that England are not only the best on the earth, but the best on the earth and the satellite that goes round it. The earth, that is".<br /><br /></span><br /><strong><em>LOL</em></strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://images.tvnz.co.nz/tvnz_images/sport/rugby/all_blacks_2007/henry_graham_press_d.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Henry looking away whilst Richie McCaw gets away with murder, again</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I attempted to contact All Blacks coach Graham Henry for his opinion on this story. Unfortunately, due to me getting confused because of the time zones - are they 12 hours ahead or behind? I can never tell - I was unable to speak with him. Although he did leave me an e-mail message which consisted only of the internet acronym 'LOL'.<br /><br /><br />Look out for my preview of the Rugby World Cup coming soon, where I'll correctly predict the victors in 90% of the matches. Another exclusive. Remember, you read it here first. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-23219866087908106812007-07-17T13:39:00.000+01:002007-07-17T20:15:53.050+01:00Burley's Italian Influence<span style="font-size:85%;">by Harry Exclusive</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://www.bbc.co.uk/suffolk/content/images/2004/12/03/f3_300_286x300.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Burley still has his old club car</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Saints manager George Burley says that he will give the Championship side a strong Italian influence this season. So what are the chances of seeing Andrea Pirlo or Luca Toni playing down at St. Mary's? "Och no, nothing like that. I got the idea last week when I was eating alphabetti spaghetti. What I'm looking to do is bring in players so that we have a strong squad here. Everyone who follows this league knows that you aren't going anywhere unless you have a large squad. I was thinking 26 players should be ideal; 3 'keepers, 4 full-backs, 4 centre-halves, 5 central midfielders, 4 wingers and probably 6 strikers 'cause you need to score goals at this level." And where does the Italian influence come into this? Are you going to plunder Serie B for some bargains? "Och no, like I was saying - alphabetti spaghetti. How many letters are there in the alphabet? 26, aye? Well, that's the numbers side sorted out, now all I need to do is get 26 players whose surname represents each letter of the alphabet".<br /></span><br /><br /><strong><em>Ox-bow Lakes</em></strong><br /><br /><img src="http://www.kented.org.uk/ngfl/subjects/geography/rivers/images/ox-bow%20lake%201a.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Doesn't look much like a lake, more like a river</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">To help him search for players with surnames that aren't typical in the British game, Burley has enlisted the help of Southampton University Geography lecturer Kenneth Millet. Burley's reasoning was "you don't get many 'Z's or 'X's in this country so I thought I'd ask someone who knew a bit about the world. Y'know, he knows where people have the right foreign names". Millet said "I don't know what the man is on, to be honest. He overheard me in MFI talking to the sales clerk - who is also one of my students - about my job as a geography lecturer. He rushed straight up to me and said 'Geography? So you know capital cities and stuff, aye? Only I'm looking for foreigners with 'X' and 'Z' at the start of their surname'. I think he's a little confused. I did try telling him that I only lectured on physical geography, but he looked blankly at me. I mentioned ox-bow lakes, but he got even more confused and said 'Is he the Colombian fella, plays for Deportivo Cali? I reckon you can get these South Americans dirt cheap. Can't always get a work permit for the poor bastards, though. Has he played in 75% of Colombia's internationals in the last 2 years?'. Anyway, I know nothing about football really, so I went on Wikipedia and sent George the names of a handful of players. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm getting paid a grand a week for larking about on the internet. Happy days, eh?"</span><br /><br /><br /><strong><em>Autistic C(o)unt</em></strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://images.wikia.com/muppet/images/thumb/3/3c/CT-p0001-ST.jpg/300px-CT-p0001-ST.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Former Steaua Bucharest 'keeper, Tibor 'The Count' Contcescau</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Burley's obsession with letters and numbers appears to have taken a new twist. When I tried contacting him through his secretary last week she said that he was "doing his times-tables, he's beginning to freak me out". However, the club released a press statement saying that they have hired Sesame Street's autistic vampire and ex-Steaua Bucharest goalkeeper, The Count, to do some consultancy work for them. Apparently, Burley has asked The Count to select the squad numbers for the Saints for this upcoming season. When I contacted The Count yesterday he declined to speak to me in person. He did, however, promise to leave me an answer machine message. When I received the message last night I was shocked and startled to hear of the decisions he'd made. A full transcription follows:<br /><br /><br /><em>Count: Hello, Harry. Here is my selection, a little sneak preview for you, ha ha ha. Davis: one, ha ha ha. Ostlund: two, ha ha ha. Pelé: three, ha ha ha. Saganowski: four, ha ha ha. Lundekvam: five, ha ha ha. I haven't got a six yet, ha ha ha. Skacel: seven, ha ha ha. That's all you're getting for now, Harry, ha ha ha. I've got to go, I have to go and count the pixels on my TV, I may be a while, ha ha ha. Take care, ha ha ha.</em><br /><br /></span><br /><strong><em>Abel fucking Xavier</em></strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="http://static.flickr.com/131/322008044_9ab3a1517e_o.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Abel Xavier during his ban for substance abuse</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">When I spoke to Burley yesterday to ask how he was getting on, he told me "Not too great, Harry. I'm really struggling looking for an 'X'. Turns out that Colombian player couldn't get a work permit, mainly because he doesn't exist. I've sacked that geography twat now, so I've asked Iñigo Idiakez to ask around if any of his Basque mates have a surname that begins with 'X'. I fucking hope so, or else I'm going to have to sign Abel Xavier at this rate. And no-one wants to do that, do they? Anyway, can't stop, Harry. I've got George Weah on the other line, I think he might have a 'Q' for me, with a bit of luck, eh?!"<br /><br /><br />George Burley is 51 years old. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8409498301629067953.post-47364474433306318512007-07-17T12:54:00.000+01:002007-07-17T21:07:21.497+01:00Lewis-Francis in sub-10 seconds claim<p><span style="color:#000000;">by Harry Exclusive</p></span><p><br /><span style="color:#000000;"><br /><img src="http://images.scotsman.com/2006/03/25/tsrelayb.jpg" /><br /></span><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-size:78%;">Instead of dropping batons, Lewis-Francis intends on dropping weight</span></p><p><br /><strong><em>Underachieving</em></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Olympic gold medal winning yet hapless British sprinter Mark Lewis-Francis has claimed that his strict new training regime, along with a change in his dietary habits, has resulted in him consistently posting sub-10 second times for the 100 metres. The underachieving athlete said "I've been running really fast in training, under 10 seconds every day this week". As far as his dietary changes he said "Basically, I've knocked the pies on the head as I was putting on weight, I'm on the curry!".<br /></span><br /><strong><em>Homemade curries</em></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Mark's Mother, and new trainer, Mary, takes up the story. "Mark has never been one for training very hard, he's a lazy bugger. And he's reknowned for his love of the pie. What I've done is get him onto some nice homemade curries. I'll do a chicken one on Monday, veggie on Tuesday, lamb on Wednesday, king prawn on Thursday and on the weekend we just get takeaways 'cause I can't be arsed to cook for the hefferlump. Like I said, Mark loves his food, but with all the pies he was eating he was putting on weight. I started thinking that if I could get him off the pies and onto curry then he might lose some weight. I mean, he still eats like a pig, but with a curry you're more likely to shit it out, yeah? The only bad thing about this is that I can't show my face down the local Greggs anymore. They used to love me down there, what with all the money lardarse was spending there, but now they look at me like I'm some dogshit stuck to the spikes of Mark's best daps."<br /></span><br /><br /><strong><em>Coastguard</em></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">And what of Mark's claims of running under 10 seconds in training? "Bless him, every morning I send him down the corner shop to get a pint of milk and my crossword magazines, I always say 'Go on, Mark, run, I'll time you'. He hasn't got a very good sense of direction, and even though the shop is right at the end of the street he always gets lost on his way there and his way back; we even had to call the coastguard out for him once. Invariably, he'll take an age and he always comes in with his little tongue hanging out, puffing and panting like he's ran 12 miles. And he probably has, the daft twat. The first thing he always asks me is 'What time did I run today?'. I always say '9.87 seconds', and he says 'Wow, I'm as fast as Linford Christie!'. Then I make him a milkshake and he goes to play on his Wii."<br /><br /><br />Lewis-Francis is considered one of Britain's best hopes at this years World Championships and hotly tipped for a quarter-final exit.<br /></span></span><a href="http://estaticos01.cache.el-mundo.net/albumes/2006/08/13/maraton_goteborg/f0f68d8f1ea642ebb415d824f5f11ef2_extras_albumes_0.jpg"><br /><br /><br /><br /></p></a></span><a href="http://estaticos01.cache.el-mundo.net/albumes/2006/08/13/maraton_goteborg/f0f68d8f1ea642ebb415d824f5f11ef2_extras_albumes_0.jpg"></a></span><a href="http://estaticos01.cache.el-mundo.net/albumes/2006/08/13/maraton_goteborg/f0f68d8f1ea642ebb415d824f5f11ef2_extras_albumes_0.jpg"></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1