Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Exclusive Sports News In Brief

Sadly, this is not about female - or even male, for that matter - athletes in their underwear. Instead, it's a weekly (bi-weekly/whenever I can be bothered) round-up of all of the best little titbits in the world of Sport. And it's exclusive, obviously.

Sotherton's Javelin Woe Continues

Despite the lack of baps, I would

Doable British Heptahlete Kelly Sotherton's season has yet again stagnated due to her inability to throw a javelin further than a kitten or a male member of Belle & Sebastien might hurl it. Sotherton's coach, ex-Olympian and all round good guy though not as good as Steve Backley, Mick Hill said "Kelly's problem is that she acts like a girl, is a girl and, most importantly, throws like a girl". Hill says that he intends rectifying Sotherton's problem by "either doping her up to the eyeballs or by giving her a full sex change", but added "I quite fancy Kelly as it is, so I'd rather her be a loser than engage in a transexual relationship with her". Having conducted an epic internet search I can confirm that Ms. Sotherton is heterosexual. Yay!

Broad Eyes "Exciting" Test Debut

He looks excited here, too

Leicestershire quickie Stuart Broad has cast his beady eye on making his test debut at Lords on Thursday as a replacement for the injured, but pretty wayward, bowler Steve Harmison. Broad, son of ex-England test opener, and a pretty good player from what I can remember, Chris Broad, is rumoured to be "excited". When asked at a finger buffet held in my honour at Lords today, Broad junior (although he's really tall) said "Yeah, I'm excited. If selected, it will be exciting". And what of chucking a few down to the likes of Dravid and Tendulkar? "Yeah, that's exciting". Speaking to his father in the queue for the little boys room, Broad senior said of his son's upcoming test debut "I'm nearly as excited as he is! That's why I'm in the queue here, I can't contain my excitement". Recently installed England coach Peter Moores is also rumoured to be excited with the lanky fast bowlers potential.

Dour Foulds Vows To Continue

Foulds reacting angrily to criticism

Dreary snooker 'star' Neal Foulds has vowed to continue with his professional snooker career despite protests on an internet site about his dull play, looks and personality. A thread on musical pop band Razorlight's unofficial site contained three posts of which all were critical of the Perivale born player. Poster #1 (rzrsnker: 312 posts) said "hes so fkn borin!!1! wrst.playa.evr.". The two following posts (jonnyishott: 13 posts and dickiedavieseyes: 9872347 posts) added "lol" and "who cares?" respectively. In reply to this accusation, Foulds replied via pm to rzrsnker with "fk u im guna carie on plyin. wen waz teh last tyme u bet eddy charltons?". Ex-player Tony Meo speaking at a pub I happened to be in said "What the fuck is Foulds doing on the internet? Boring cunt".

Kwikfire Kwestions

In an attempt to make Exclusive Sports News look edgy (I've used a 'k' instead of a 'q') and to appeal to younger readers whose attention spans are poor, this week we introduce the brand-new-never-seen-before-and-not-even-in-a-similar-format quickfire quiz to our chosen sports star. This week we see how quickly Peterborough United player Dean Keates can spit back his replies to our vomited questions.

Dean 'The Gob' Keates in action

Where were you born? Walsall
Do you like it there? Nice place? Dunno. S'ok I s'pose.
What clubs have you played for in your career? Walsall, Hull, Kidderminster, Lincoln, Walsall again and now Peterborough.
Best moment in your career? Dunno really. I just like playing football.
Married or Single? Married.
Children? Yeah.
How many? Two.
Boys? Girls? One of each? Yeah.
What? One of each.
Favourite film? Dunno. Saw Die Hard 4 the other day.
Any good? S'ok.
Favourite music? Any really. Whatever's on Radio 1.
Favourite Holiday Destination? Florida.
What will you do when you finish playing? Dunno yet.
Thank you Dean! Can I go now?


Jason h said...
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Dotty said...

Well written article.