The Demise and Fall of Bolton Wanderers

It seems strange to be talking about the demise of Bolton as a football club, seeing as how they haven't done anything other than lose two League Cup finals in the last fifteen or so years, but try chewing on this official OPTA stat and swallowing it: Bolton are now shite. After several years of overachieving under the guidance of Sam 'My son is a respected football agent' Allardyce, the Lancashire club are now back amongst the also-rans of the PREMIERSHIPS!!1! and possibly heading down to the wilderness of the CHAMPIONSHIPS!!1! In this exclusive, ESN speaks to the players (and I don't mean literally only the playing staff of the club - I mean the movers and shakers, scenemakers) who have witnessed the fall from grace of the once top half of the PREMIERSHIPS!!1! club. To find out the true story, and maybe even the meaning of life, then read on.


Aim low, Sam. Aim low

At the arse end of last season after quite a few years (how many I don't know - What do I look like? Wikipedia?) Sam Allardyce decided to step down as manager of Bolton. At a Quayside wine bar in Newcastle - it wasn't a Yates'sss - Allardyce told me "My son, who is a respected football agent, came to me with a proposal toward the end of the season, he said 'Daddy, you know how you've made me a lot of money in the last few years? Well, it's my time to pay you back; Newcastle Utd have approached me to approach you to approach them about becoming their new manager. It's all under the table, though, you understand.' Of course, once I knew I could get a nice payoff from Bolton and a nice signing on fee from Newcastle then I was in there like a rat up a drainpipe." Allardyce, however, denies the accusation that he's only in it for the money and went on the spout the usual tripe that anyone who has ever been linked with the NUFC job says "I don't need the money. It helps, sure. But I wanted to come to a club that has a massive fanbase; they're football mad up here in the north-east. Best fans in the world, if you ask me. Who else would be daft enough to wear nothing on the top half of their body at an away game against Dynamo Kiev in November? Only Geordies are fanatical enough to do that."


Ivan Campo in Bolton's unused 3rd strip

But what of Bolton? What was happening down there? Wanderers chairman Phil Gartside wasted no time in appointing Allardyce's longtime right-hand, though some might say 'rotund', man Sammy Lee as the new manager. Fans were, at first, cautiously optimistic about the appointment, as BWFC supporters club secretary Tony Toole explains "We weren't too displeased that Sammy had been made gaffer; we thought the best thing for the club would be some continuity. We expected him to use similar methods on the pitch, the training field etc. to those used by Big Sam, but having recently spoken to several players - after trapping them in the car park and surrounding them - I discovered that Sammy's methods had taken us back to the dark ages. And by saying 'dark ages' I'm not making reference to Ivan Campo looking slightly neanderthal-esque. Even though he does look a bit like Cro-Magnon man. Cro-Magnon is in the Basque Country, yeah?"

Under Allardyce Bolton had been reknowned as one of the more forward thinking clubs outside of the top four. His meticulous preparation included having the perfect temperature on the team coach (the bus - not then 1st team coach Ricky Sbragia) before matches. And it seems this is where Lee made his biggest fault of all: he turned the temperature down as he found it "a bit hot". At a Little Chef on the M6 Lee told me "I always hated travelling on the coach - y'know, the bus - under Sam, it was always a bit hot for my liking. So when I was made manager the first thing I did was phone the driver of the team coach and told him to turn the heating down. It always surprised me that Sam had the heating on very high because he's always penny-pinching, he doesn't like to spend money, that man. You can tell because of all the players he bought on the cheap, friggin' cheapskate."


Long sleeves for Ricardo. Also the title of his debut E.P

How did the players react to this? Before the first game of the season against team name club captain Kevin Nolan went to to the front of the coach to confront Lee. Nolan takes up the story "We [the card school] always like to sit near the back and we've always enjoyed the cosiness of the coach; Ricardo Vaz Te always used to say 'It's like being back in Portugal' and Gary Speed often compared it to spending time in the tanning salon without catching a tan. Anyway, Vaz Te had his cardigan buttoned right up - he usually liked to have the top three buttons undone - so I knew something had to be done and went to speak to the gaffer." The cold-blooded Lee reacted to his captain's request by allegedly screaming "Put a fucking jumper on, then!" "That's when I knew it wouldn't last," claimed Nolan "it's alright for Jussi Jaaskilaenan, he comes from near the Arctic and is used to roughing it, but I can't have Ricardo Gardner wearing a bobble hat on the coach. Poor lad hasn't looked so upset since one of the other players shagged his wife."

Lee failed to make it past October in charge of the club and after much deliberation, not to mention considering appointing the hopeless Graeme Souness, Gartside appointed ex-Norwich and various other clubs I can't think of right now manager Gary Megson. During his first meeting with the players the fiery redhead was asked by the senior players what he was going to do about the temperature on the team coach, to which he responded "You can have it hot, you can have it cold. Either way I don't fuckin' care. So long as I can get you bastards to start hoofing the ball up to Kevin Davies again, then I don't care."

Megson was seen boarding the club coach for the short trip to the Reebok Stadium for his first game in charge against Aston Villa wearing a duffle coat and aviator sunglasses.

Exclusive Sports News Quiz-a-mania-rama

To celebrate the fact that Exclusive Sports News has not yet had any law-talking guys threaten them with closure - or worse: censorship - we at Exclusive Sports Towers (actually, it's only a flat in a tower block - who'd have guessed?!) have decided to give you, the lucky reader, a chance to win some top-notch, exclusive prizes. All you have to do is answer as many of the questions that are sexily listed below as you possibly can. And then send your answers on an electronic mail to openminded597@yahoo.com along with your name, address and PIN for your debit card.

Prizes up for grabs include:

My old Olympique Marseille shirt (circa 1990. Waddle! Papin! Francescoli! Yes, you could acquire their look from almost twenty years ago!), assuming that my Mum is correct and that it's still in her attic.

A pin badge from a Georgian rugby team. This Paul McCartney-approved badge comes from back when Georgia was in the U.S.S.R. If there's a finer bit of communist sporting memorabilia on the market, then I haven't heard of it. Also included: comical cyrillic writing on the front!

Several Mexico 1986 Esso collectible coins! Back in the summer of '86 I'd go with my Dad when he went to put £5 worth of 3 star petrol in the car just so I could collect these coins. I can remember that I had Kerry Dixon, Ray Wilkins and possibly Mark Hateley. These could be yours to keep! Or to use! Perfect comedy coins for those that work in the retail industry - just try fobbing them off on a long-sighted pensioner for ultimate giggles.

Let the games begin ...

1. Donkey-cocked Brazilian football legend Garrincha lost his virginity to?

a) The Girl From Ipanema

b) Some donkey

c) Pele

2. Some girl I once knew gave hand relief to which of these footballers?

a) Jonathon Woodgate

b) Robbie Keane

c) Carl Dale

3. Which snooker player was in dire need of a shave when I saw him getting dragged around the shops by his missus about 3 years ago?

a) Darren Morgan

b) Mark Williams

c) Dominic Dale

4. Which former England cricket captain did I once see enjoying ham, egg and chips in a pub?

a) Michael Atherton

b) Alec Stewart

c) Sir Ian Botham

5. What did Australian custom officials say to me when I told them that my football boots were caked in good old British mud and hence a major threat to their eco-system (so they claimed)?

a) "Mate, we're going to have to burn 'em. You'll have to buy some new footie boots."

b) "We're going to have to keep 'em, mate. Do you have spares?"

c) "And you expect me to clean 'em? You Pommy barstard!"

I'll name the winners (and possibly the losers, too) in the next issue of Exclusive Sports News. If anyone actually enters, that is. If not, I'll e-mail my mate Lee with one correct answer so that he can win the prize.

Entries are limited to two per reader. False names can give you a better chance of winning. Exclusive Sports News reserves the right to choose the winner in the manner that they see fit. Does anyone ever read the competition rules? "I'm like a chicken trussed up against the car" - Some angry bloke on one of those 'Crime Britain' type programmes - 2007. The following people are not allowed to enter, any entries from them will be declared null and void: Ivor Biggun, That bloke Mike who used to sit opposite me in one of my old jobs, My Mum (she doesn't even have internet), any ex-girlfriends or women I have had flings with save for that girl from Bedford who was living in Liverpool when I met her in Leeds the day after I saw Grandaddy in London about 9 years ago, that bloke who is always really friendly to me in Tesco (You freak me out).

Exclusive Sport News, Like, in Brief

The usual collection of stuff which I've copied directly from analogue teletext.


Morley Finally Makes Legal Tackle


CRRRRUUUUNNNNCCCHHH, you Aussie twat


Great Britain rugby league prop Adrian Morley has recently finally made a legal tackle. The ex-Leeds and Sydney Roosters man made a tackle in the 26th minute of a Superleague match against Hull KR which the referee, after a quick nod from his touch judge, decided not to penalise. The Warrington Wolves (is that their nickname these days?) brute said that the reason he makes a lot of high tackles is because he does most of his tackling practice with his five year old son. He told me out side the Greggs in Huddersfield the day after the test match "I'm always playing in the garden with my son, Jacob, and he's only a little lad. He'll never grow up to be tough like me if I don't give him some 'treatment', so I usually give him a good bash early doors just to let him know I'm there." When quizzed whether he would be better practicing against people his own size Morley said: "No ta, my wife's a big unit. There's no way I'd get her down legally. I'd have to give her a swinging arm."

Morley then went into the Greggs and ordered two Steak Bakes, a can of orange Fanta and a custard slice. He then walked out of the shop and was put on report for a late tackle on a traffic warden.

Maniche Says "No" to Bristol City


"It's my ball!" Maniche is the school bully to Camoranesi's school dweeb

Confusion arose yesterday when high flying Championship side Bristol City were linked with Portugese international midfielder Maniche. The ex-Benfica, Porto, Dinamo Moscow, Atetico Madrid and Chelsea star was thought to be the ideal man to take the West-Country club into the top echelon of English football. Mancihe - not his real name, he was named 'Maniche' after some Danish striker caled 'Manniche' or something similar who used to play for Benfica - denied all knowledge of an approach from Brizzle, he said: "Que? I think you have me confused, I would never go to Bristol City. I am enjoying my time here at Internazionale of Milan." When further pressed the goalcoring midfielder suggeted that I had maybe made up the story in a desperate effort to fill the pages of ESN "Are you sure you aren't lying? I know what British journalists are like."

As the day panned out and I tried to get more information on this potential exclusive it dawned on me that during a drunken conversation with my friend Jim the evening before he had mentioned how he'd made a bid for Maniche on Football Manager 2008. During an exchange of text messages Jim told me "dnt u remmber lst nite? we tlkd abt champ man," and went on to add several (free) text messages later (courtesy of his contract with Orange) that "i bid 4 manish wen i woz manger at city lol." There then followd an embarrassing climbdown from this correspondent as I apologised to Maniche and pleaded with his agent to not sue me. He agent responded with "I don't care, I've never even heard of your sports website."

My mate Jim has since failed in his bid to bring Maniche to Bristol and turned his attentions to Swedish playmaker Kim Kallstrom of Lyon. Remember, you read it here first.


Tour of Holland Branded a "Farce"


Worst trophy ever

The recent cycling tour of Holland has been branded a farce by angry cyclists. British entrant David Millar told this correspondent - in the queue to buy a puncture repair kit in Halfords - that the tour was "A farce. Possibly the stupidest idea ever," he added: "The King of the Mountains award really took the biscuit." Possible ETA sympathiser and many time Tour de France winner Miguel Indurain agreed that the tour had brought greater shame upon the sport than all the failed dope tests in the last ten years combined. Speaking on his mobile whilst simultaneously wearing a sombrero and taunting bulls in the middle of a bullring in Pamplona, he told me "I can't speak right now, a bull is about to gore my anus."

Tour organisers had not realised that there were no mountains, or even hills, of any significance in the notoriously low-lying country. Zany multi-millionaire tour chairman David Bewes of Jersey said "Who'd have thought that there were no mountains in one of the lowland countries? I could have swore that I once read an article on Dutch mountaineers." When Bewes was informed that that very article was in fact last year's April Fool joke article on ESN he seethed with anger and told me "You idiot! You've ruined my reputation as a sports promoter. You tosser. How was I to know that it was a joke and that these intrepid explorers didn't climb Mount Arnhem wearing nothing but national costume including wooden clogs?"

The wacky, tax dodging former potato picker Bewes has now turned his entrepreneurial skills to setting up a professional cricket competition in Mejico.

GAA: The Beginners Guide


The Irish equivalent of the Bayeux Tapestry

Because I've been spending some time on the West Wales coast, I recently acquired access to Irish language television channel TG4. In between repeats of South Park and Fimbles broadcast in the Emerald Isles' indigenous language, I've come across some highlight packages of various sports which are popular in Ireland and nowhere else. So, I thought this would be a great opportunity to teach the readers of Exclusive Sports News the ins and outs of the several comical sports that the Irish play.

Gaelic Football

It's sort of a bit like Australian Rules Football but on a more oblong shaped pitch and they use a football instead of a rugby ball. You score points by kicking the ball either through the rugby posts (piss easy) or by kicking it in the football goal (should be easy, but isn't - I reckon I could do it). Also, everyone is allowed to handle the ball like a goalie. Big teams include the Dublin Dinosaurs, Droghedea Dinosaurs, Waterford Watermen and the Galway Galwaymen.

Hurling

I didn't pay much attention to this one. Hockey sticks, but flatter, are used to hit the ball about on the exact same field that they play Gaelic Football on. Not very imaginative. Current champions are the Limerick Leprechaun Bashers. Probably.

Camogie

As far as I could ascertain, this is just Hurling for women. Yes, that bad.

Knock, Knock Ginger

Not the childhood game of the same name that we have on this island where you'd knock on a door in your street and leg it. Here, a redheaded Irish gentleman knocks on the doors in towns that he'll never set foot in again and tries to sell you a sofa by saying "Would your Ma' like to buy a tree piece suite?". If your Dad's in he'll offer to tarmac your drive for £200 but insist on payment in advance so that he can go and buy tarmac from a fellow Irish hustler. Only to never return.

The key to winning this game is to pretend that there is no one home by muting the volume on your telly and not answering the door.

Exclusive Sports News Olympic Preview

Yo, here be the lowdown on the 'lympics - is what I would say if I was some sort of hip streetster. But I'm not. I'm 32 years old and - according to family legend - prone to an occasional attack of gout. Nevertheless, I am an experienced sports journo and I carry a lot of clout in this little world; what I say is the truth. Or it will come true. Anyway, leap years are brilliant, aren't they? I was born in a leap year; there's an extra day in February; European Championship Football every leap year and, best of all, there are the Olympics every leap year.

And proper Olympics. None of this Winter Olympics nonsense. Did Archimedes and Plato (I'm assuming these people invented the Olympics) want man to go as fast downhill as he could on a pair of skis? Did they want men in leotards to dance to music on ice? Did they want men from different nations, usually Nordic nations, to pit themselves in a battle which consisted of skiing cross-country, stopping for a breather every few miles and shooting an air gun at a kind of dartboard? Did they heck as like. I tell you, the best thing the flipping IOC ever did was move the Winter Games (I refuse to acknowledge them as the Winter Olympics) two years ahead. Or was it two years behind? Plus one of the great things about the Olympics is the taking part - there is nothing funnier than watching a competitor from an underdeveloped nation being completely out of his depth: Eric the Eel, I've watched you on youtube, like, a million times! You crack me up. But even underdeveloped nations get a chance to shine at the Olympics - just look at the Kenyan distance runners. Actually, my mate's Dad told him when he was a kid that the reason the Africans were so fast was because "they get chased by lions in the jungle." And I'm not making that up. True story.

And so, this particular feature will take a look at some of the potential highlights at the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, China. I can't wait to see what those crazy faux-communist/capitalists have lined up for us. But we can be sure of one thing: those Chinese athletes are going to be doped up to the eyeballs and, man, they ain't gonna fail no drug test. Here are some of the events/competitors that you and I should look forward to.

Cycling - Victoria Pendleton



Sexy woman? On a bike? Getting sweaty? In figure-hugging lycra? And, what's that, she has a good chance of a gold medal and she's British?! And she also likes baking cakes. Everyone's ideal woman is a sweaty cake baker clad in lycra, yes? We should all pay very close attention to the delightful Ms Pendleton, if her recent appearance nekkid on the cover of Observer Sport Monthly is anything to go by. All I know is that she cycles at the velodrome - and not on the road - and recently won gold at the World Championship in Manchester.

Did I mention the figure-hugging lycra? Plus this will be a great opportunity for all us alpha males to make lewd, but respectful, comments along the lines of: "I'd ride her," "What a bike," "I'd pump her flat tyre anytime" and "I'd buy her tyre-weld for Christmas."

Look out for my 'Victoria Pe(n)dals to(n) Victory!' headline very soon.

Mens 100 metres running fast



The blue-riband event of the track, if not the entire games. And this year it should be highly competitive - a potential classic, perhaps. So will it be Gay? Or Powell? Or Bolt? Thanks to the record-breaking early season form of Usain Bolt, this promises to be the best 100 metre final since the '88 Olympics in Seoul. Will former record holder Asafa Powell reclaim his record or will he once again wilt under the pressure at a championship event? Will World Champion Tyson Gay be able to repeat his 9.68 seconds at the US trials without the aid of wind assistance and have the Castro district of San Francisco post-ironically chanting his name? Or will Usain Bolt become Jamaica's biggest sporting hero since John Candy in Cool Runnings and, heh, run off with the crown of the world's fastest man?

Look out for my 'Lightning Strikes Twice: Bolt Wins Sprint Double!' headline very soon.

4 Men and a Little Baby



No, not a sequel to the rubbish film starring Tom 'Magnum' Selleck and Steve 'Police Academy' Guttenberg, but that rowing event with four big fellas and a cox. You know the one: Redgrave and Pinsent used to do this one. We always seem to do well in this; another gold for Britain perhaps?

Look out for my lame 'Britain Sails to Gold!' headline. Even though they're not sailing. They're rowing. Look, I'll have a think and come up with something better by then, okay?

Ooh, ooh, I've got it! Some sort of 'Awesome Foursome' headline. Yes, it has probably been used a million times by lowbrow publications, but I'm going with it. It's not like ESN isn't lowbrow. Actually, we're more no-brow than lowbrow.

Mens Decathlon



What are the odds of Dean Macey's hamstring/elbow/neck/fingernail/penis giving him some gyp and him just missing out on a medal yet again? 1/50, you say? Cheers, I'll put my Fiat Panda on that, please. Still, we'll all be cheering him on and going "God, I miss Daley Thompson, remember him? He was awesome! Yeah, in the eighties. Wow, the eighties, man" until the last lap of the 1500 metres when we'll be going "Run, you lumbering, dopey sod! Aww, fucking fourth again! Yeah, that bastard German got third."

Look out for my 'Deanied: Macey Misses Out on Medal!' headline very soon.

And what happens? Two days after writing this Macey fails to make the Olympic Qualifying standard. He even had to have four injections in his groin just to complete the 1500 metres. The poor, poor lad.

Swimming



This new Speedo bodysuit is meant to give you the edge, so I've been told. Heck, I dunno. In my day you'd eat Kellogs Start (as endorsed by Steve Cram), drink Lucozade Sport and rub dog doo on your rivals' bathers to give you the edge - they'd be too embarrassed to race stinking like that. But then, I suppose, Lucozade Sport is practically doping. These days I'd probably go for a few glasses of vodka and Red Bull. In fact, that does give me an edge. Well, it takes the edge off if I've had a few the night before. Roll on lunchtime!

Still, I dunno about you, but I'll be poolside brushing my elbows against Sharon Davies' breasts. Again.

Bulgarian Weightlifting Team



Umm ... apparently there isn't one this year. 75% of them failed a pre-games drugs test so they all miss out. Which reminds me of ruining a school disco for everyone when I was 14. And there was a weightlifting club in the hall every Tuesday lunchtime and it was the hall they used to hold the disco in, so there's some sort of connection here, right?

Sport, eh?

The 4 x 100 and 4 x 400 Relays



Aren't relay races just the best? The running out of lanes; the dropped batons; the hustle and bustle of the handover on the last lap of a four by four with all the athletes jockeying for position ... this is why sport is so great: you couldn't write a script for drama like that. And, remember, we're the reigning 4 x 100 champs! No Mark Fatty Lewis-Francis this time, mind. Or Jason Gardener. Or Darren Campbell. Oh, balls. But what has happened since the golden, halycon days of our 4 x 400 team when we had awesome relay runners such as Todd 'He's like Roger Black but a lot shorter and, hence, slower' Bennett, Brian 'One Shoe' Whittle, Phil 'Last Leg' Brown, John 'I don't usually run this far but I'll take one for the team and give it a go' Regis and other, brilliant runners who couldn't run sub-45 400 metres in an individual race if they tried forever, but would run 44.1, or something daft, in a relay?

Whatever happened to my boyhood heroes? God, I miss Derek Redmond. And Mark Richardson. And Duane Ladejo. Can't say I miss Akabusi, though. Twit.