Monday, 20 August 2007

Exclusive Sports News In Brief Round-up-o-rama

Broad "disappointed" at not making début

Broad telling ghost stories to a captive audience

Promising young fast bowler Stuart Broad this week confirmed his disappointment at not making his test début in the recent test series against India. Broad, 21, told me earlier in the week outside a bus shelter in Melton Mowbray "I'm disappointed not to have played in the series, especially as I was widely tipped to play, but I know that my opportunity will come soon enough,". In what must have been the biggest disappointment of the youngster's life, he tried to put a brave face on the situation by adding "It's not as bad as finding a dead body behind the old gasworks when I was thirteen, I'll get over it. Not playing for England yet, not the dead body. That'll haunt me until I die,". The jovial quickie continued "I poked him with my cricket bat, but I really wish I hadn't; one of his eyes came right out of the socket. It was really disturbing".

England coach Peter Moores who was "excited" by the fast bowlers potential is now indicating that he may have made a mistake in keeping Broad as a 12th man, he said "the last thing Michael Vaughan wants to hear during a drinks break is how rigor mortis had begun to set in on the body that Stuart had found. Ian Bell might think it's all a big laugh, but Michael can't concentrate when all he can hear is Stuart going 'have you ever seen a dead body?' when he's trying to face Kumble, and I wouldn't like that either. He won't be playing Test cricket until he learns when to speak and when not to speak".

Stuart Broad is said to be currently reading the new Harry Potter book.

Gay hits back at "gay" jibes

Well, if you're going to take flowers with you to the starting line, people are going to talk

Really fast runner Tyson Gay has hit back against track and field fans who have questioned his sexuality. The rubber burning sprinter said "I'd just won the US Track and Field 100 metre Championship and was feeling pretty damn good 'bout myself, when all of a sudden the crowd start chanting "Gay, Gay, Gay". At first I thought it was directed at one of our high jumpers, but it soon dawned on me that it was me they were hollering at. There I was, the happiest moment of my life and it was ruined by people who don't even know me questioning my sexuality. What they don't know is that I had a girlfriend in High School, as well as two girlfriends in College. And I've been on dates with women as recently as May. I would go on more, but y'know, I have to train for the World Championships".

Gay's problems have not ended there; it now seems that his contemporaries have begun to enquire about his sexuality. Gay told me "I was at a meet in Europe last month when Asafa Powell comes up to me and goes 'Hey, are you Gay?'. I was, like, 'man, you don't even know me, you've never met me before and you're calling me gay?'. I was so mad at Powell, who does he think he is?".

Gay has responded to his critics by continuing to wear figure-hugging lycra outfits in the lead up to this weeks World Championships in Osaka, Japan.

Foulds in "I haven't seen him in years" claim

Hallett in pre-mobile phone days

Hellraising snookerer Neal Foulds has this week opened the lid on his relationship with ex-professional Mike Hallett. The winner of the 1984 Pontins Spring Open Championship told me when I questioned him on the whereabouts of Hallett "I haven't seen him in years, does he still live in Grimsby?". Standing outside the local Morrisons, the potting ace confessed that "we got on okay, I didn't see him outside of the snooker arenas; he seemed a perfectly amiable chap".

Hallett, when contacted, defiantly refused to shed any more light on their relationship "I didn't know him much more than to say 'Hello' to, but Tony Meo has said he's nothing but trouble, so don't give him my mobile number, yeah?".

Foulds, when questioned on whether he intended making nuisance calls to Hallett if he had his number said "I haven't got much credit, been texting Tony Meo".

Kwikfire Kwestions

This installment of the question and answer session that is so-fast-that-if-you-blink-you-might-miss-it-with-a-bit-of-luck features Scunthorpe Utd stopper Joe Murphy.

Insert caption here

Where were you born?


Nice place? Like it there?

Oh aye, it's grand.

What clubs have you played for?

Tranmere Rovers, West Brom, Walsall on loan a couple of times and now Scunthorpe.

Best moment in your career?

Oh, I dunno.

Married or Single?



No, I'm single.

Favourite Film?

Oh, I dunno.

Favourite Music?

Oh, I dunno. Let's all have a disco.

Favourite Holiday Destination?

I dunno, Dublin?

What will you do when you finish playing?

I haven't thought about that yet.

Thank you Joe!


GLOLF!!1! or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Laugh at Sport

by Harry Exclusive

Golf: no laughing matter

European PGA Tour chiefs are set to widen the appeal of their sport with a new, fun direction. European PGA Tour Assistant Director for Operations David Probyn said exclusively to me this week "Golf has traditionally been a rather dour sport. After all, the game did originate in Scotland, but I want to widen it's appeal so that people can see how fun it can be". And how do you intend doing this? Probyn added "Well, I am wary of going over the top. I mean, we did toy with the idea of dressing up all the caddies in full clown regalia and having them squirt the golfers with water, bringing out rubber putters, putting quicksand in the bunkers so that they might drown, but that didn't go down too well with the caddy union. Instead, we've started sending some of our top golfers to comedians for some tips. Comedy and golf have had a great history together, just look at Jimmy Tarbuck for example; he likes a round of golf and a laugh as much as the next man. And the dearly missed Bernard Manning once threatened to strike an Asian man with a short iron, so you can see what a bond comedy and golf have".

Clowns: no laughing matter

How is this new direction going to effect the tour's top golfers? With Europeans leading the way at the recent Open, is there any need for this, quite frankly, absurd idea? "The golfers have so far been very receptive to my proposals. Padraig Harrington laughed in my face when I said that I wanted him to play the typical Irish fool in the vein of those from the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes. It just goes to show what a tremendous sense of humour he has, he couldn't stop laughing when I told him of my plans," said Probyn. He added "I've also been in talks with Snooker's governing body - yet another dull sport - about how they've managed to use humour to good effect. For years and years at the Crucible they would have John Virgo doing poor to middling impressions of his fellow professionals on a slow day, and let's not forget the tremendous success of the World Trickshot Championship where humour has a big part to play. Plus, who hasn't laughed at Neal Foulds' poor spelling and use of grammar on the internet? They've told me that they're thinking of rebranding Snooker as SnooLOLker, so, obviously, we would go down the same path and change the name of our sport to GLOLf".

Akabusi: laughing no matter what

In the 1980's the question on everyone's lips was: Sport and Politics; do they mix? In these heady days of the noughties it appears that the question is now: Humour and Sport: Why? I spoke to several leading figures in the sporting world reknowned for their love of a laugh and a joke, beginning with laughing addict and former Olympic Bronze Medallist Kriss Akabusi to find out more. He said "Hahahahahahahahahahaha, I've always enjoyed laughing, hahahahahahahahahaha. And I've always enjoyed sport, hahahahahahahaha. If you can't have fun, hahahahahahahahaha, when you're running fast, then when can you? Hahahahahahahahahaha".

Marsh's haircut exposes brain matter

Ex-footballer and disgraced former Sky Sports pundit Rodney Marsh is another sports star fond of wisecracking "Let me tell you, I've made more bad and inappropriate jokes than any other man in the history of sport. It started when I went to America to play in the NASL; that in itself was one big joke, wasn't it? I'll never forget the laughs me and Bestie had whenever we were together, and there was also that time when Beckenbauer farted during a penalty shoot-out in a game against the Cosmos which had upwards of three thousand people in stitches. One of the main reasons the league failed was because the NASL chiefs didn't like the funnymen, people like Cubillas, Neeskens and Bruce Grobbelaar; once they started shipping them out and bringing in boring fuckers like Peter Beardsley, Colin Todd and Archie Gemmill, then the league was bound to fail. Americans love showmen; entertainers, and it was a dark day when I was sacked from the Tampa Bay Rowdies for a practical joke which was taken the wrong way. John Gorman was the miserable sod who got me into trouble. All I did was soak his jockstrap in a bowl of chillies overnight and he failed to see the funny side of it. That man never had a sense of humour until he got the Swindon job".

So, Sport and Humour - is there any need for it outside of Question of Sport? This correspondent says "no". Next week I'll slag off Ally McCoist & co. in a potentially libellous column. Remember, you read it here first.