Lewis-Francis in sub-10 seconds claim

by Harry Exclusive

Instead of dropping batons, Lewis-Francis intends on dropping weight

Underachieving

Olympic gold medal winning yet hapless British sprinter Mark Lewis-Francis has claimed that his strict new training regime, along with a change in his dietary habits, has resulted in him consistently posting sub-10 second times for the 100 metres. The underachieving athlete said "I've been running really fast in training, under 10 seconds every day this week". As far as his dietary changes he said "Basically, I've knocked the pies on the head as I was putting on weight, I'm on the curry!".

Homemade curries

Mark's Mother, and new trainer, Mary, takes up the story. "Mark has never been one for training very hard, he's a lazy bugger. And he's reknowned for his love of the pie. What I've done is get him onto some nice homemade curries. I'll do a chicken one on Monday, veggie on Tuesday, lamb on Wednesday, king prawn on Thursday and on the weekend we just get takeaways 'cause I can't be arsed to cook for the hefferlump. Like I said, Mark loves his food, but with all the pies he was eating he was putting on weight. I started thinking that if I could get him off the pies and onto curry then he might lose some weight. I mean, he still eats like a pig, but with a curry you're more likely to shit it out, yeah? The only bad thing about this is that I can't show my face down the local Greggs anymore. They used to love me down there, what with all the money lardarse was spending there, but now they look at me like I'm some dogshit stuck to the spikes of Mark's best daps."


Coastguard

And what of Mark's claims of running under 10 seconds in training? "Bless him, every morning I send him down the corner shop to get a pint of milk and my crossword magazines, I always say 'Go on, Mark, run, I'll time you'. He hasn't got a very good sense of direction, and even though the shop is right at the end of the street he always gets lost on his way there and his way back; we even had to call the coastguard out for him once. Invariably, he'll take an age and he always comes in with his little tongue hanging out, puffing and panting like he's ran 12 miles. And he probably has, the daft twat. The first thing he always asks me is 'What time did I run today?'. I always say '9.87 seconds', and he says 'Wow, I'm as fast as Linford Christie!'. Then I make him a milkshake and he goes to play on his Wii."


Lewis-Francis is considered one of Britain's best hopes at this years World Championships and hotly tipped for a quarter-final exit.